Why am I writing a post about marriage advice? Because I’m not really following my own rules. There’s something afloat in the Sweeney house – something that is unsettling us and I am sure we will eventually get beyond the mess. But for now, we are in the thick of it all and it isn’t very pleasant. I’m finding myself bitter and upset and cold and emotionless at times. At other times, I find myself enraged and sad and hopeless.
Most times I am just tired.
Tired of the fight. Tired of the day. Tired of the repetition. Tired of trying to fix the unfixable. Tired of pretending to be so strong.
I’m not strong. I never was. I was broken down into a million pieces before I was given the right to vote. It’s hard to build upon a shattered foundation. I try to stand tall but at the end of the day I simply crumble because holding up my mask for so long just wears me to shreds.
Back to reality —
Through it all, I see what I am doing. Let me make something clear. I’m CORRECT in the arguments that we have… as silly as they are. And I get snippy because I am right and I need to feverishly attempt to prove that point.
But in the end, who cares? Who cares that I am right about the smallest and stupidest thing? Is it pushing my marriage forward or is it hurting an already stressful situation?
Should I rise above these little tiffs? Because we aren’t really fighting about who is going to grill the chicken for dinner, right? The attitude is aimed at that subject but in actuality it has nothing to do it with at all.
I’m huffing and puffing because it’s taking him 30 minutes to start up the grill and the kids are starving. So, I end up cooking it on the stove and then he gets angry at me 15 minutes later when he is finally ready to get the BBQ started.
He’s upset. I’m upset.
But it’s not about the chicken. It’s about all this other nonsense that is going on.
But I’m right. I’m right because he told me 30 minutes ago he would start cooking the meat and all the sides are already done. So, I HAD to start cooking the meat. The children were complaining and there was no end in sight to his work. I just started because he wasn’t going to do it. We waited too long.
And so, my attitude to him was justified. And his attitude towards me was unjustified. He can’t get mad at me for being unable to wait 40+ minutes to cook some meat. But he was because I always take charge.
So, he’s mad.
And I’m mad.
And we are eating dinner and the kids can feel it and I’m sick to my stomach and I don’t even want to eat the f***ing chicken but I do because we are all hungry.
And that’s marriage. That’s not marriage after one or two years. That’s marriage after 13 years.
So – you decide.
Are you going to be a right fighter and prove your point? Or are you going to simmer down and shake it off and ease your breath and just relax – because that’s what your marriage needs. Not another fight.
Not another silent dinner. Not another day gone by wasted. Over chicken. But it’s not about the chicken. We all know that.
Are you a right fighter? How’s that working for you?