I’m Smiling But …

It’s been a while since I’ve written a personal post. I’ve been a bit consumed with work and getting back on track. I feel so overwhelmed with all the things I need to do.

Vera Sweeney

I love what I do. Don’t get me wrong, but sometimes it feels like I am drowning. Or perhaps it’s more like I’m slipping on mud as I attempt to climb out of a hole in the rain. Maybe both.

You get an edge. You lose an edge. You learn a trick. The trick is a trick. You master a platform. The platform no longer matters. Try again. Lose again. Work again. Learn again. Run again. Race again. Fall again. Smile again.

I’m Smiling But …

I want to succeed. I have it in me. I believe in myself, but I’m just so tired. I’m not eating well and whenever that happens my mood shifts. I AM aware of this little factor. It’s happening again. I know.

The silence is deafening. Can you imagine what nothing sounds like to someone who is typically manic? Like death.

And so, I sit on the couch and I stare at my screen and I try to find it in me to do what I have to do, but I don’t know where to start because my insides are quiet because my drive is lost.

All I want to do is stop. Maybe sleep. Maybe watch TV. Maybe watch TV until I sleep – that would be cool. But life isn’t so easy.

Mom. Wife. Mortgage. Bills. Contracts. Algorithms. Smile, baby. Smile.

How To Dress Thinner

And so I grin for the sake of it all and I try to get that gleam in my eye to sparkle. You know, the one that they like. And I try to touch my hair and giggle and laugh and make them feel special. That’s what they want… and so…I give them what they want.

Until there is nothing left of me. Until I am riddled with holes. Until I am left empty and used and shaken and rattled and torn into a million pieces. Until I am left lying on the floor in deafening silence trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing. I need a break

Was it SEO? Was it an Instagram photo? Was it a YouTube video? Was it a sponsored campaign? Was it a keynote speech? Was it a trip? Was it a review? Or was it to make dinner for my family? Who was I supposed to give myself over to? I just can’t keep up. 

My mind slows and the world stills. I can’t remember.

I’ll just stay here and wait until someone tells me where I should be next. Who I should be next.

She feels broken.

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Comments

  1. Nancy Horn wrote:

    It could not have been easy to share this. Give yourself grace, maybe unplug for a while. Your site will always be there, there will always be a video or photo to edit, but if you’re not feeling well and if you don’t do some self care, you won’t feel better.

    Posted 3.1.19
  2. Jennifer Sikora wrote:

    I literally had a meltdown this week in front of my husband and my grown daughter for this reason. it seems like NOTHING I am doing is working and I am so tired of fighting against the algorithms and SEO crap. I miss the days when you could write something and it would just blow up and do great. Can I just give in now? Nope. The winner in me won’t allow it. So, like you — I keep going. and going. and going. It’s sink or swim and until the site completely sinks, I will just. keep. swimming. Praying for you Vera. I know this was hard to share, but I appreciate how honest and vulnerable you are sometimes. It makes it easier to admit that things are not always so rosy and hunky dory. 🙂

    Posted 3.6.19

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