It’s been a while since I’ve written a personal post. I’ve been a bit consumed with work and getting back on track. I feel so overwhelmed with all the things I need to do.
I love what I do. Don’t get me wrong, but sometimes it feels like I am drowning. Or perhaps it’s more like I’m slipping on mud as I attempt to climb out of a hole in the rain. Maybe both.
You get an edge. You lose an edge. You learn a trick. The trick is a trick. You master a platform. The platform no longer matters. Try again. Lose again. Work again. Learn again. Run again. Race again. Fall again. Smile again.
I want to succeed. I have it in me. I believe in myself, but I’m just so tired. I’m not eating well and whenever that happens my mood shifts. I AM aware of this little factor. It’s happening again. I know.
The silence is deafening. Can you imagine what nothing sounds like to someone who is typically manic? Like death.
And so, I sit on the couch and I stare at my screen and I try to find it in me to do what I have to do, but I don’t know where to start because my insides are quiet because my drive is lost. All I want to do is stop. Maybe sleep. Maybe watch TV. Maybe watch TV until I sleep – that would be cool. But life isn’t so easy.
Mom. Wife. Mortgage. Bills. Contracts. Algorithms. Smile, baby. Smile.
And so I grin for the sake of it all and I try to get that gleam in my eye to sparkle. You know, the one that they like. And I try to touch my hair and giggle and laugh and make them feel special. That’s what they want… and so…I give them what they want.
Until there is nothing left of me. Until I am riddled with holes. Until I am left empty and used and shaken and rattled and torn into a million pieces. Until I am left lying on the floor in deafening silence trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing. I need a break.
Was it SEO? Was it an Instagram photo? Was it a YouTube video? Was it a sponsored campaign? Was it a keynote speech? Was it a trip? Was it a review? Or was it to make dinner for my family? Who was I supposed to give myself over to? I just can’t keep up.
My mind slows and the world stills. I can’t remember.
I’ll just stay here and wait until someone tells me where I should be next. Who I should be next.
She feels broken.