I try not to talk about my marriage on my blog because I truly believe that there is a line of privacy that has to be drawn and respected. I also recognize that I have children and this blog will one day serve as a very long diary for them (if they ever choose to look back and get a little noisy). I mean – it’s all here. Every single day of my life. Online for the entire world to see actually.
So – yes. I’m careful. I’m very, very careful about what I share and about what I don’t share because I think it’s the right thing to do. But sometimes I just feel like I can’t win. If I get a lot of work for my blog then that means great things for my family. We do this full time. It’s the main way we earn money. However, when I have really crazy days that require me to be heads down and actually work for 6 or 7 hours in a row, it can be a bit trying on everyone else. And I can feel it. I can see it. I can HEAR IT.
Where does that leave everyone? Upside down and completely stressed out to the Nth degree.
So what do I do? I can’t do both things. I can’t be both things. I also can’t feel guilty about working when I really have to. But how can I not? This is the problem with working from home. You cannot separate from it all. You cannot escape the chaos even though you technically aren’t part of it.
I am filled with anxiety and stress and tension. My heart hurts for my kids AND for my husband. But I don’t know what else to do. Sometimes I just need to get s*** done.
I wish my husband would start running. I really do. Men need something like that. That boy is just about to burst and he needs to relieve some steam. Anything is a trigger and it’s been like this for a while. He’s fine when we are co-parenting, but as soon as I have a hectic day at work, it starts to build up again. And it happens rather quickly because it’s never been addressed. Like a volcano.
I can’t prevent intense work days. I just can’t. This is my job. I had a particularly insane one yesterday. SO, yes, this is highly unusual. But these days will continue to come over and over again and I’m not sure how to fix it all. And yes, this is on my shoulders because who else will fix this? My husband refuses to accept that anything is wrong. My children are too young to NOT BE INSANE all day. That’s just what happens when you have three kids and one of them is a soon-to-be two year old.
When I try to talk to him about it, he gets upset at me for being upset at him. So, there’s no winning there. When I try to show him that he’s really not bat s*** upset about not finding the remote and it’s more about the overall stress he’s feeling from being with the kids all day – he tells me I’m crazy and it’s really just about the remote. He won’t talk about it. He won’t let me talk to him about it. There’s no fixing this. We’ve run this circle for several years in a row, but now the kids are older and it’s all different.
Completely lost.