See me? There on the floor? After an hour of personal training? I’m dying. Dead. Shaking. Wanting to take the elevator down to the first floor but fully knowing that it would look RIDICULOUS at a gym if I did that. Nevertheless, that’s what my body wanted in this above moment. A lift. Someone to carry me to my car. So FLIPPING weak.
But I’m trying.
And you know what? I still did it.
And this week… I came back for more.
That was the second class that I took this week with a personal trainer (Chris) at Lifetime Fitness. They opened up a new location SO CLOSE to my house and I’m currently using a friend’s guest pass to check it out. That gym is everything. I’m a little in love. I can’t believe I’m actually saying these things. Me + Gym = HUH? I’m not that girl. But I really do want to run a half marathon at the end of the year. My friend Kim has one in mind and I have to get moving to do that without croaking.
I mean, I have SO FAR TO GO. I cannot BREATHE during the CLASSES. Gasping. Dizzy. My vertigo kicks in every so often but I try not to pay it any mind. I just focus on the ceiling and take deep breaths. I have to get through the fear I have. Most of the time, I know that when I get dizzy, it’s not because of my vertigo, but it’s because of my fear of my vertigo kicking in. I’m making myself dizzy because I’m getting in a panic about the THOUGHT of being sick.
It’s a complete mental THING right now. I have to trust in myself and my trainer. I have to just know that he wouldn’t make me do anything that I can’t handle. He’s very conscious of my state at all times which I absolutely appreciate. As someone who is VERY new to the gym scene, it’s good to have that check and balance in place. If he sees me about to give up, he either lessens my weights or comes over and talks me through the set. It calms my racing mind. And guess what? With that extra guidance, I actually can get through it — FAR FURTHER THAN IF I WAS ALONE.
It’s the first time in my life that I am actually trying. After three kids, and deciding that THIS shop is officially closed, I realize that it’s my time again. It’s going to be all about me this year. I need to get it together. I need to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without gasping for my LIFE. That’s not normal, right? Just checking. But I also need to set a good example for my kids. I want them to grow up with healthy habits. Not like me. I’m learning all these things for the first time as I’m pushing 40.
WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG?
No. I can’t go there. I’ve started. That’s all that matters. I’m putting one foot in front of the other and I am a little further on the journey today than I was yesterday.
Who knows? I feel like this is sticking. I want to work out every day now. Did I just write that? I might be possessed. Alien invasion? Bacterial infection? What is going on? I don’t know who I am. If I shave my head a la Britney Spears circa 2007, call the police because it’s about to go down.
Until then, I’m going to take a warm, scrumptious shower and use all my girly products that I know and love. I’m going to slip back into the role that I’m more comfortable playing but I’m also going to get ready for tomorrow’s weekly bootcamp class at my friend’s class. It just isn’t stopping. This desire to better myself. And maybe I don’t want it to…