I’m stuck in the middle of winter and it feels like I’m all alone.
Or maybe I should say lonely … because we all know there’s a difference.
I see you standing there in the distance…
There’s been so many years. So many moments. So many defining instances that have created us but today they seem blurry.
The snow is making my vision hazy.
My only thought is to find shelter once again.
To find some light.
Because I deserve some sun. I deserve some warmth. I deserve some peace.
You found a broken bird and I foolishly thought you would heal me.
Instead, you keep adding to my wounds.
I find myself telling myself that I deserve less. That I am worth less. That I should be loved this “less”. That this amount is just right.
And then I think about my daughter and I shake myself until it hurts because this is not what I would want for her… so why do I allow this to be my reality?
Because winter is blinding and long and deafening and defeating.
And when the snow and the wind bashes down on you for too long… you just give into it.
Because it’s easier that way.
But something has come with age… an understanding.
Winter is settling in my bones and I just can’t handle the chill anymore.
It’s not just father.
It’s also husband and friend.
Winters are long, but they aren’t meant to last forever.
Nothing lasts forever.