What I’ve Learned From Fighting With My Husband


A few days ago I got into an argument with my husband. If I told you what it was about you would think I was cr-azy. I guess since I share everything else with my life, I shouldn’t stop now right? We went to Target to get Natalie some new socks and I ran back  to grab a deodorant leaving  Bill to pay for the purchases and he paid with the “wrong” credit card. Looking back, I can see how absolutely ridiculous I am. I told you in one of my Fashion Hauling videos that I am obsessed with using one card so I can maximize money earned on that card. Bill knows that I am a total freak about it but he forgot and paid with this particular card. I just about lost my marbles.

I don’t scream when I fight. I do the opposite – I stop talking and I look away and I shut down until I can calm my mind and talk rationally. It’s worse than screaming I think because I don’t give anyone the chance to resolve the issue. I want no part of the issue. I just want to be alone with my anger which doesn’t really help anyone.

I wish I was a public fighter. Yes, I joke around with Bill in front of friends calling him out on things that annoy me, but those things don’t really annoy me. I just say them to have a laugh with my inner circle. This credit card thing just drove me wild and it took me a few days to see that it wasn’t really about the credit card. It was me adding all this sub-text to what he was doing. “He didn’t use the credit card because he doesn’t care about what I like to do“. Um… NO! That’s not what happened. Bill forgot. That’s what happened. It doesn’t always have to be so dramatic and hurtful and that’s something I automatically swing to when I get upset with someone.

However this fight was the first time that I saw how misconstrued his message was. He wasn’t trying to hurt me in any way and I don’t know why I automatically swing in that direction when something goes wrong.  He was just trying to pay the bill. Simple as that.

When we finally got around to talking about what happened (yesterday), I brought up a few other things that were weighing heavy on me and realized that I’ve been doing this for a really long time. We are in the market for a car. I want the Buick LaCrosse. {{trust me – it’s beautiful}} and when I told Bill he brought up that he wanted to see two more cars. Immediately I was offended because that means my choice wasn’t good enough for the family. Um… NO! Bill just wants to make sure we are getting the best deal. I don’t know why I get so offensive when I’m challenged or when things don’t go exactly to plan, but at least I’m recognizing it now. Hopefully moving forward it won’t be a problem.

Do you add sub-text to your arguments? How do you deal with sorting it out?

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  1. ashmeljer wrote:

    oh Vera, its called being a woman. I’m the same way (except I scream and holler). I think I will show this entry to my husband because he thinks I am the only woman who acts this way and that I’m cra-za-zy! We always sort it out after I calm down and realize I over-reacted. My poor hubby:)

    Posted 5.26.10
  2. RhodeyGirl wrote:

    My husband wants to talk everything out right away. I however, am like you and just shut down. It doesn’t work so well…

    When my husband does things that bother me I automatically think he is just taking me for granted and doesn’t appreciate the things I do. If we argue it is usually about the dumbest things.. like him not putting away the clean laundry I did from days ago, or leaving his toiletries all over the counter right after I finish cleaning the bathroom. he is very helpful, but when he does things like the above two examples, I just assume he doesn’t appreciate that I DID the laundry or CLEANED the bathroom.

    I am sure lots of people have the same fight. It is so ridiculous!

    Posted 5.26.10
  3. Amanda K wrote:

    I do it constantly and I honestly think my husband is way worse about it. We BOTH get annoyed at stuff for no reason, but the good news is we also work things out really fast and most of the time our little snits just end… as in like we just change the subject and move on and apologize.

    In other news don’t get a Grandma car!!! BUICK!? = Old. Your like early 30’s right? Get something cool… that is all.

    Posted 5.26.10
  4. CapturingLife wrote:

    Amanda – Buick doesn’t mean old – they are super nice luxury cars. I want a Buick Lucerne in the WORST way after we rented one for a week! LOL

    My husband WISHES I would clam up and keep it in when I’m mad. I do occasionally but not often. I do the same thing, though, with projecting a bunch of other crap onto a situation that has nothing to do with what happened. I’m getting better about it, but it’s a struggle. The most important thing is that you are AWARE that you are doing it – that’s half the battle.

    Posted 5.26.10
  5. Honey wrote:

    omg… i do the same thing.
    i get so annoyed when he doesn’t do what i want and i automatically assume its because he wants to hurt me.
    men are pretty simple that way.
    i love your blog!

    Posted 5.26.10
  6. Anje wrote:

    I do this TO. A. T!! I just get quiet and stew until I’ve calmed down and when something finally comes out I bring up other things too that I didn’t get out when I should have.

    Posted 5.26.10
  7. Marie wrote:

    IT’s stress that does this to us; something silly happens and you get mad when you shouldn’t. Sometimes you’re not just stressed and it’s a release and you get mad at the ones closest to you. Good that you’re recognizing it. Getting annoyed about the car and him thinking you didn’t make a right choice seems childish though. If someone did that to me, I’d think they were trying to guilt me into giving them what they want.

    Posted 5.26.10
  8. Nadine wrote:

    I need to show my husband this too, he is convinced I am the only person on the planet who does the abovementioned things….. I was starting to think the it too!!!
    Thank goodness I am not the only one…..

    Posted 5.26.10
  9. Laura wrote:

    I definitely get annoyed with my husband over this sort of thing. Usually because I have mentioned it before and he STILL does it and then claims he didn’t realise. I’ve come to accept that he is just hardwired to… not remember things like that. I know he doesn’t mean it. He’s lovely really! But it’s hard not to get annoyed, isn’t it?

    I tend to vocalise my problem, though, rather than clamming up. He clams up and it makes it hard when I just want to sort the problem!

    Posted 5.26.10
  10. Jen wrote:

    Vera – All women do the subtext thing….however, i didn’t realize that I probably do this more often than I think I do. Thanks for sharing…it was sort of an eye opener for me.

    Posted 5.26.10
  11. An (older, wiser) friend once said that practically every fight in a marriage has the same underlying meaning (subtext). It’s a human thing…men do it too (just not usually as dramatically). The great thing is that you know your “script”, so you can talk yourself down.

    Mines is, “You’re not my father. You don’t control me/tell me what to do!'” Obviously, I hate to feel at a loss of control…ha!

    Posted 5.26.10
  12. Kelly wrote:

    Ok this is off topic (well kind of you brought it up lol) cars in the US are so cheap and you get SO much for the price, I am slightly jealous that over in Oz we have a lot less selection but at a way higher premium. I do realise this is cause the US is a lot larger but it still irks me hehe.

    And believe me Vera I wish I was a little more like you and held my anger in when something sends me off, cause oh boy when I get irritated everyone knows it..

    Posted 5.26.10
  13. Vera wrote:

    Just wanted to thank everyone for commenting – you made me feel less alone with this issue. I really appreciate the conversation. 🙂

    Posted 5.27.10
  14. Juliia wrote:

    OMG. Reading this really came to me in the right moment. i am the same way, my bf says i always think everything is about me when it is not. I get easily offended by some things he does or says. Today was another of those cases. I guess i just need to give him more freedom or else i will loose him. That is easy to say but rather hard in a long distance relationship though.

    Thanks Vera. I’ve been reading your blog for such a long time now and although i do not always agree on everything you post, I really enjoy it. 🙂

    Posted 5.28.10

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