Fighting With My Husband – And Realizing I Was In The Wrong (And A New Pic Of My Stockpile)

I’m a very specific type of person. I am controlling (we’ve discussed this already), EXTREMELY TYPE A, logical… and set in my ways. That makes for a very difficult person to live with – wouldn’t you say? (Ok, I’m not ALL bad – I know that! But I’m only mentioning these qualities because they relate to this post)

The last few days, little things have been eating away at me. Really little things. Ridiculous things that aren’t even worth mentioning… but when you add them all up you have a problem.

Ok I’ll mention one just to prove my point.

Yesterday, my cleaning lady came over and I was in the basement working on my stockpile (don’t judge me). I broke down a bunch of boxes from my old office and went to bring them upstairs. She was mopping my steps though… so I didn’t want to bother her. Instead,  I placed the boxes next to my husband as he sat at his desk and then went back into my stockpile room to continue organizing that disaster.

All day long, he kept coming up and down without bringing up the boxes. The boxes were 6 inches from him FOR HOURS on a chair – not on the floor which meant that they were in SIGHT. Finally, at like 8 at night, I turned to him and said – “I can’t believe you haven’t brought those boxes up yet.”

“What boxes?”

“Um… the boxes you’ve been sitting next to for the last 6 hours. You saw me put them there right?”

“Oh I thought you brought them up already?”

… what? I just about imploded.

“How could you think I brought them up if you’ve been sitting next to them for the entire day?”

And so on … and so forth. And of course once the faucet is opened… well, it just all came out.

I said some pretty mean things which made him completely shut down. The truth is – he is who he is.If I were really so concerned with the boxes, I should have just gone downstairs and got them. But instead, I put my husband through a test… and I don’t think that was very fair.

Would I prefer that he take notice of his environment and do things without me asking? OF COURSE! But we’ve been having this same fight for over 10 years and Bill is who he is. It’s just not going to happen. If I need something to be done, I literally have to spell it out, write a note, send an email. And that’s fine. I just have to keep remembering that this relationship works THAT way and THAT way only.

Do you test your spouse putting him up to a task you know he will fail? I really have to stop doing this but I don’t because there’s this little part of me that still wishes he will change into the version of him I have in my head.

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  1. Kelty wrote:

    Vera – my partner is the same way! I have to spell it all out. I set things next to the basement door that need to go downstairs and he’ll walk right past them downstairs without taking any of it. I have to specifially ask him to do it. LOL I think it’s most men in general…although I am same personality type as you.

    Posted 10.20.11
    • l wrote:

      Ha! Almost 36 years of marriage and same here. I put it right by the door to the basement and half the time, or more, he forgets it! LOL I have to say I am also the same. Why am I so bitchy? I am trying, though, because how much fun is it to live with someone who acts like this? Ugh.

      Posted 10.21.11
  2. I think its just the way guys process things. I used to have similar fights with my exboyfriend. He’d constantly tell me: “Just tell me what you want me to do. I can’t read your mind.” Especially those times when I expected that he just know what I needed. I love to do “little things” to show I care but he’d show he cared about me by doing things around the house…after I told him what I wanted.

    It’s just the way men & women process thoughts, words and unspoken actions.

    Posted 10.20.11
  3. Sherry wrote:

    Yep, it’s the same here. It’s the difference between the way men and women communicate and perceive things. We’re wired so differently. I finally started realizing that I needed to find different ways to approach the situation before I lost my mind.

    I’m not a religious person, but a friend of mine shared this video series her church did and it was AMAZING. It’s relationship-based and just made a TON of sense. It’s called ‘the crazy thing called love” by “Liquid Church” – which sounds like something way the opposite of real church ROFL. The “waffles and spaghetti” part was my favorite – explaining the way men compartmentalize everything into little separate boxes but for women, it’s all meshed together and connected all over. I HIGHLY recommend it. It was really eye-opening. After I watched them all, my husband watched them, too! We laughed our heads off because 90% of the examples were TOTALLY us.

    I’m glad you guys talked things out. Marriage is tough. Any relationship, even friendship, is tough. It’s so hard to accept each other for the way we are. We SAY we can/do, but deep down we hope everyone thinks and does just like we do. LOL


    Posted 10.20.11
  4. Rachel wrote:

    Communication is key. Us wives have to stop thinking that our partner or spouse knows what we want and if they don’t do it we get upset. Instead asking for what you want…works wonders! “Hey can you bring these boxes down for me when you get a chance?” Instead of assuming he knows what you want him to do just because you put the boxes next to him. I however am learning not to be the mother, which a lot of times we turn into after many years of marriage…and instead be his wife and his supporter. Instead of complaining and nagging, at the end of the day it’s not worth it. It’s just stuff! Thanks for posting

    Posted 10.20.11
  5. Barbara wrote:

    I agree with Rachel. Sometimes our needs seem obvious, but really they only are to us. Men are not mind readers 🙂 To get our needs met, we have to be very clear about what they are.

    Nice, honest post V!


    Posted 10.20.11
  6. lizzys wrote:

    what boxes?

    Posted 10.20.11
  7. Kyle wrote:

    You HAVE to read The Happiness Project. There is a whole chapter on this and I kid you not, it changed my marriage.

    Posted 10.20.11
    • Vera wrote:

      I actually HAVE that book. I heard her speak this year. I should just read it!

      Posted 10.21.11

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