I haven’t been having a very good week… but I suppose that this week is just like any other week for most. Yesterday, I had to go and get a sonogram for my thyroid and it took everything in me to not cry. My endocrinologist has determined that it’s irregularly shaped and asked for a deeper look. So, off I went all alone. Of course the technicians told me nothing. I left the office silent and with more questions than I came in with.
Then I had to run into the city to attend three separate events for work. Some were paid. Some weren’t. All required me to be “on”. I had all of this on my mind, but none of that matters when you have to pay the bills. So, I threw on a bunch of makeup, got my hair done and drove into Manhattan with my husband.
A plastered smile.
Forced laughs at jokes… at least I think I heard jokes.
Following the group.
Eye contact. Had to remember eye contact.
Don’t drift off into your thoughts. Stay present.
When it was all over, I said goodbye to my in-laws and thanked them for watching my children. I then headed into the bathroom to wash off the day. I took one of those makeup remover wipes and began to take off my foundation and I swear to you, burden lifted from my chest.
I was finally free of the facade.
I knew that with each wipe I was one step closer to just being me. It actually felt freeing to take it all off. I was washing off the day and the pretend and the act and I was becoming exactly who I wanted to be again.
Alone with my thoughts.
And some might say the distraction was necessary… you might be right. But others understand that sometimes you need to marinade in the unknown to be prepared for the worst outcome.
I don’t know what’s going to happen by the end of the week. It all could be NOTHING. My thyroid could just have a cyst on it and that can easily be fixed. Or maybe it’s something more. Or maybe it’s just nothing at all.
Wiping off the mask gave me time and ability to think again about what I needed to do in order to feel prepared. If you’ve ever been faced with an unknown, you know what I mean. Sometimes you just need to accept things ahead of time just in case…
And I couldn’t do that with a face full of bronzer in a crowd full of strangers in the middle of a conversation about the NYC school system. Although, that conversation did turn off the worry for a little bit. (I have another post coming up about that)
Have you ever felt this way about wiping off your makeup at night?